Puppeteer

Author Topic: A good clean laugh  (Read 4362 times)

selmawp

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • When I was young and full off??????????
    • View Profile
A good clean laugh
« on: December 14, 2012, 02:54:48 AM »
 ;D ;D

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO WAL-MART.

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for mu loyal pet, Jake, the
Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had a elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probable shouldn't, because I ended up in the Hospital last
time, but that i'd lost 50 pounds before wakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, to load your pants pockets
with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
in line was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me, I told her no, I
stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard

Wall-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. The have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to
say.

Forward this (especially) to all retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day. ;D ;D



fabricator

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 391
  • Grand Haven MI
    • View Profile
Re: A good clean laugh
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2012, 01:49:36 PM »
LMAO. ;D
BioDiesel Brewer

Thob

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 255
    • View Profile
Re: A good clean laugh
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2012, 03:27:46 PM »
That's what I call thinking on your feet - all four of them!
Witte 98RC Gas burner - Kubota D600 w/ST7.5KW head.
I'm not afraid to take anything apart.
I am sometimes afraid I'm not going to get it back together.

deeiche

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 240
    • View Profile
Re: A good clean laugh
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2012, 05:45:32 PM »
Oh, man, that was priceless.

Not retired, yet.

magnicon

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 82
    • View Profile
Re: A good clean laugh
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2012, 01:12:25 PM »
HA HA HA...Had to change Wal-Mart to Aldi and fire hydrant to lamp post for UK use !.

listerboy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 97
  • I love the smell of diesel in the morning....
    • View Profile
Re: A good clean laugh
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2012, 01:14:59 AM »
One more, almost as good:

‘Viet Nam Veteran’



A few days ago one of my Marine buddies sent me a ‘Viet Nam Veteran’ cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially since someone was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal-martians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress…enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh?” the Wal-martian queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.

“1936,” I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.”

This was beginning to be way fun!

“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me the ‘don’t threaten me look.’

“Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!