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Author Topic: NOT ENGINE RELATED  (Read 17391 times)

AdeV

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2011, 06:51:54 PM »
Hi Mike,

As you've probably gleaned, I'm not the religious type myself; it simply doesn't do it for me. My mother insisted I go to church every Sunday (I even learned to ring the bells & sung in the choir - that's how keen she was). It never did anything for me, except made me a bit resentful of all the Sunday mornings I lost when I could have been out on my bike having fun...

But anyway, that's all beside the point. I wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you, and I really hope you get it sorted out, in a positive way - whichever way that ends up being.

And, if I may offer up one piece of advise: Don't force her to be religious, if she doesn't want to be, you'll just cause resentment... I'm sure that if conservatives & liberals can live together, then so can a religious person & an atheist (or agnostic, more likely?).



I hope that didn't sound preachy, it isn't supposed to be. I'm sure that in a few months time, we'll be hoisting drinks & laughing about these days...
Cheers!
Ade.
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contaucreek

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #16 on: February 26, 2011, 08:15:41 PM »
Life goes on. I had to leave my two timing so-called wife and I thought it was the end of the world, the darkest days of my life for sure. Boy was I ever wrong. Met a great gal, garage is overflowing with engines and life is sweeter than it's ever been.My new woman is down to earth enough to realise the time I spend with my engines,guns,hunting and fishing aren't excuses for time I could be with her. I'm sober,employed, home at night,cook, do the dishes , pay her compliments and eat snapper like it's going out of style. Sounds to me like your problems aren't all yours. Just throwing it out there now CHIN UP.
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millman56

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #17 on: February 26, 2011, 08:25:43 PM »
Hi Mike, there you go living proof of my alternative belief system, ( that my god is in all the decent people I`ve  met in my life) reference all your wellwisher friends on here.      Its a very brave and dare I say American thing to publicly air your problems as you have done, generally we reticent Englishmen, would not dream of doing  it.    Anyway I`m sure you have the strenghth  to overcome your troubles and if a bit of support here helps, then thats great.  Keep your pecker up.    Mark.    

Horsepoor

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2011, 05:06:09 AM »
First, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I have a few comments that I hope will be helpful: Although, from a slightly different perspective but with your welfare foremost.

•   You cannot force someone (wife) to believe in God, become “religious” or believe in a higher power / Supreme Being: For adults, this realization usually comes about during a time of crisis when they figure out their plan for life inst working so well.

•   Frankly, you might be much better off wishing her all the best as she pursues her sole path towards whatever she thinks will make her happy (adios). Letting her go is the only way you will have an opportunity to meet someone more compatible.

•   Think about it: A woman who is miserable / unhappy is going to bitch about your engine hobby, if you got rid of the engines, it would be your yard or the upkeep of your house, or the fact she perceives you as a slob, you are too fat, or you don’t ….. (fill in the blank). Chances are nothing you could ever do will “make” her happy, she has decided to just be unhappy, miserable, and unfulfilled. My gut feeling says she will not change unless she somehow finds God and this must be her own decision.

•   Look at the other fellow on the above post, he shed his lousy, bitching, miserable wife problem which opened the door to meet someone down to earth, now he’s happy. Suggest you re-read his post, makes a lot of sense.

•   I’ll bet, she has at least one or two recently divorced girlfriends who are telling her wonderful life is being single. Don’t stand I the way of her making this dream come true, yea sure, it’s wonderful and misery loves company.
 
•   Chances are you have seen this coming for a long time, perhaps a little denial but I’ll bet the signs were present for quite awhile. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Yes, the next year is going to be rough, but this too will pass and you have a higher power to lean on and guide you. She, unfortunately does not.

•   Picture yourself with half of what you currently own, don’t sweat it because you will have NONE of the stress and aggravation which probably feels like it is tearing your guts out. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up happy, play with your engine hobby, have no stress, perhaps meet a nice woman who is not nuts, who is happy, content and shares your beliefs. The hard part is admitting it is over and taking the difficult steps to end the insanity, that’s when the real healing can start.

•   God bless you and good luck.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2011, 05:20:06 AM by bruce »
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sailawayrb

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #19 on: February 27, 2011, 06:12:31 AM »
Sorry to hear of your plight Mike.  Speaking from a similar experience, I would concur 100% with what Bruce and Contaucreek wrote.  The only thing I would add is to focus on YOUR future and not worry about or try to control someone who may already be gone.  As Thomas Jefferson wrote, happiness shouldn't matter whether you believe in zero, one or twenty Gods...just live right and do right and eventually you will be alright.  Learn from your experiences and enjoy the journey.  Best wishes.

Bob B.

mobile_bob

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #20 on: February 27, 2011, 11:22:05 AM »
fwiw

i am hardly an expert on marriage, however i am pretty much an expert on what
not to do when it comes to such.

basically through a process of trial and error i have concluded what not to do pretty well.

aside for the religion aspect, the best advice i ever got, and what i would pass along to any guy that will listen is to get a good shrink!

now before you laugh it off, here is my reasoning

we go to the doctor when we have a broken bone, or a cut that needs stitches and we don't think a thing about it, we spend all sorts of money on hobbies, toys, and other things of more or less questionable value, but

we as men generally will never ask for help working on the old bean, hell we generally won't even ask directions!

does that seem reasonable?

i too was skeptical, however i am now "the" poster child for men getting a good shrink, or counselor if you will. it is my opinion it is the best money a guy can ever spend on himself.

one of the most interesting things i got from my sessions was finally getting my head around the idea that we have been lied to when it comes to marriage, we have been told that marriage is a lot of work... that is a huge lie! not a white lie but a black lie on the first order!  a good marriage is not a lot of work, quite the contrary a good marriage is something that should never be seen as work at all.

the second thing i found interesting was finding out that it is not my job, or for that matter any spouses job to "make" the other spouse happy!  its not anyone's job to make another person happy period! 

this is not to say that doing things to make someone happy is a bad thing, but it is a bad thing to expect another to provide for your happiness, and that works both ways.
this is also not to say that one should go through life oblivious to their partners happiness or, doing things that make them unhappy either.

providing happiness to another is akin to being a drug pusher, it starts innocently enough, you buy flowers or do something that make her happy this week, and then when next friday rolls around and you have not bought more flowers ? hmmm ...
this is when the cycle can start, depending on the type of person she/he might be.

if she/he then expects flowers again, you start on a death spiral of having to not only buy flowers every friday, so that they can be happy, but... soon that becomes normal and it takes more to make them happy,,  more "happy" drug, so you end up buying either more flowers or looking for other things to make them happy.  at some point you cannot afford a truck load of flowers every week and even it you could they have lost their cool factor and she/he tosses them aside and looks to you for "what are you going to do to make me happy now"  i was the grand master of being a "happy" pusher for better than 20 years, only to find out that there really is no way to continue this sort of charade. once i stopped trying, is when i got served with divorce papers!

yes i thought my life had ended, when the reality was my life was just starting.

my exwife and i fought at least once a day, every day for 20 years of marriage, and in reality every time we were together prior to marriage after about the second date.

i have been happily remarried now for going on 7 years, (plus 2 years before we were married), to date we have never fought about anything! nada, zip, nuttin...
this is not to say that we don't have disagreements, just that we can discuss them and if necessary agree to disagree, and we both realize that it is not either persons responsibility to make the other one happy!  whats most interesting, is when it is not
expected of you, it is much easier to want to do nice things.

if one is not happy within their own skin, no other person and no amount of "things" is going to make them happy.

anyway, if i can pass along nothing more than the idea that it is not your responsibility to provide for another's happiness, and the value of a good shrink, then
i feel i have done the most good i know how to do.

bob g

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DRDEATH

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #21 on: February 27, 2011, 12:02:04 PM »
Bob you are right on track about a therapist. Men seem to think is is a sign of weakness if the would have to see a therapist. Men are more inclined to go to a friend. Going to a friend unless you goal is to first see what your problems are and if you are willing to fix them. Friends tend to agree with everything you say so the problem never gets solved and it could get worse. So you have 2 choices. Get the problem fixed then see if you are compatible or move on to find someone who is willing to over look the problem. The problems with hearing instead of listening and looking instead of seeing is something that not many people like to tolerate for very long.

So I guess all I can hope for is to work on my problems then see if the change will be enough to save a marriage. I might not be given the chance to prove it but at least I will in the long run benefit from it. I would like to clear up something that I may have let people believe. My wife and myself were very much involved in Gods word. This is why I have been so hard on myself because we got away. Sometimes women are big enough or have enough faith that men can stray away and the wife will keep up the role of the male until the male gets his head on straight. It is very clear in the bible it is the mans role in this. No excuses.

My first marriage lasted 27 years. If I had listened to counselors back then maybe I would be at 37 years. I guess I will never know. All I know now is I have invested 10 years and I have the choice to move on and maybe have someone 5 years or pray I will have the chance to have another 30 years. Time will only tell. I still thank everyone for the support. I will never be able to put into words how much it has meant. Mike DD
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Tom

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #22 on: February 28, 2011, 02:31:14 AM »
Be careful with the choice of a therapist, the wife and I saw one for 10 years before we figured out she was a man hating lesbo. I'd encourage you to keep seeking God as he will give you strength an guidance as no other can, kind of like a factory service tech.  ;D Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Good one to watch with her if she's willing!
Tom
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mobile_bob

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #23 on: February 28, 2011, 04:42:47 AM »
the way i figure it boils down to this

there is nothing better than a good woman, and nothing worse than a bad one.

same holds true of a counselor !

when i suggested  a shrink, i was not suggesting a couples counselor,  rather one
that you can go see, who's focus is on your well being and secondarily her and the marriage.

one can tell within the first couple sessions if it is a good fit, and if it is not, then get another one!

a good counselor will not tell you everything you want to hear, however he/she won't be overly negative either, again it is necessary to listen to that inner voice and if it don't feel right, it probably isn't.

a good counselor will guide you in the journey of self discovery, in that he likely won't tell you what you need to do or think, but rather will guide you with suggestions of a book to read and ask you to come back and discuss what you have learned.. it is quite effective in my opinion because men generally don't like being told squat,,, but can come to the right conclusions given the tools to do so.

i bet i  read two dozen psych books and still have them in my collection, during the time i was seeing my shrink. 

i learned that there are some situations, some relationships that are doomed from the start, bad enough had one listened to the inner voice (which is generally either experience or God making a suggestion, take your pick) would never had gotten into the situation to start with.

not suggesting this is the case for Mike, just relating my personal experience.

seems most of my problems center on my bullheaded approach to life, where i seem to think that i can fix anything, only to find out later that one can't fix everything and i am not qualified to sort out the problems of some folks that are clearly damaged from the start.

i would have bet that i had a sign on my back that says "whackjobs apply here"

learning about that in counseling saved me from repeating history over and over again.

best money i ever spent!

bob g



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Horsepoor

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #24 on: February 28, 2011, 05:05:05 AM »
Dont listen to me, please dont here are some thoughts: His her ass good bye and good luck honey - "hope you find happness dear - good bye", give her half of everything you own, and first choice on all the furniture, pictures, and all similar female stuff because you're a nice guy: She'll still trash you, but who cares, you'll have done the honorable thing and you'll now have enough empty space to create multiplman cave rooms with all the second hand stuff you'll buy for pennies at Goodwill and the local thrift store. None of it will match but you'll be very comfortable and happy. Yes, you will also be STRESS free, life will be simple, uncomplicated, you'll be in total control, you can tinker with your remaining engines or do whatever you decide to do today.

Make sure you find a good counselor or a friend or two who will smack you hard before you jump into another relationship too soon. Take lots of time, enjoy life, at least a year. This is all predicated upon the theory you're not one of those people who has to have someone else, be the man you are, enjoy life, there are plenty of fish in the sea at any age, do stuff you been thinking about but couldnt because of her. Oh, check out the web site "plentyoffish.com" it is a free dasting service but dont do anything for at least one year. This is your find yourself time, man cave time, official me time. You might want to extend this time frame another year or two beyond one year period. But dont listen to me, the above is a radical thought.
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sailawayrb

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #25 on: February 28, 2011, 03:58:58 PM »
Good perspective Bruce IMHO.  While perhaps not useful this time around, I would highly recommend a prenup next time around.  I think anytime one party brings significantly more than 50% of the assets into a marriage or one party earns significantly more than 50% of the annual income, you don't ever want to be held liable to 50% asset division in a divorce.  While a prenup might not be romantic or maybe in keeping with one's faith, you will be very happy you had one should you ever need it (and 50% of people will eventually need it).  I think about the only time a prenup might not be needed is if the couple is very young, starting out with little, and both earn about the same amount of income.  If a couple can't rationalize the need for equitable financial security and work out a prenup while they are in love, you can pretty much forecast a nasty, future divorce.

Bob B.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2011, 04:02:03 PM by sailawayrb »

listerboy

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2011, 05:40:17 PM »
I think a few of us are missing an important point here. Correct me if I'm wrong but Mike has expressed the desire to reconcile with his wife and return to serving the Lord together. Not just once, but several times. To advocate divorce is not addressing his ultimate goal of reconciliation. Lets try to concentrate on his ultimate goal of reuniting with his wife and returning to God as a couple, not apart and serving only self.

Just my humble opinion.
And yes, from experience.
And by the way...more than once.
And no, I haven't learn my lesson yet.
But I have learned that "It's cheaper to keep her".

Dave

Tijean

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #27 on: March 01, 2011, 09:21:52 PM »
Dave, just food for thought as you pass judgment on the advice given; sometimes a friend is the person who will tell you what you don't want to hear.
Frank

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DRDEATH

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #28 on: March 01, 2011, 09:33:20 PM »
Listerboy I do not wish to pass judgement on anyone. But at this time in my life you are right I would like to make it work. I have not said anything about the negative and I might have to face it but now my only prayer is Gods will be done. If that happens it will be the right choice. I am not ready to face the other choice. If it happens I hope I can look to God to help me not become bitter with him of my wife. It was both of us who RAPED the marriage. Mike DD
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t19

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Re: NOT ENGINE RELATED
« Reply #29 on: March 01, 2011, 10:05:55 PM »
Mike
God gave us all the tools to command all on the dominion of earth.  The power for success or failure is his gift and it is within you.  Sort out with your wife if there is any hope to reconcile.  if there is work with her to address what she needs changed.  if you can live with that, suck it up make the changes and move on. 

moving fwd make time for her, date her, shower her with praise, and listen too her

Just my $0.02 cents.

BTW pick a therapist for you first, work out from there
I may have missed something, but what was her reason for ending it?  your obsessiveness  on engines?  that can be fixed

There is plenty of room for all of Gods creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes...