Lister Engine Forum
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: DRDEATH on February 25, 2011, 05:29:02 AM
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This topic is not engine related but it is to the largest group of friends I have. Life is a wonderful experience and yet it can take you to the lowest form of living anyone would care to experience. I say this because I am at that point right now. It might seem strange to have a post like this but I do consider the many people who I have never met to be some of my closest friends.
I have come to a time in my life that half of my heart and all of my soul seems shattered. I don't believe it is a weakness when a man turns to his friends in a time of need. I feel that is what friends are for.
Who I am most upset at is myself that I have had blind eyes and deaf ears when someone so very special in my life was speaking. God teaches us to be kind and listen to others needs and it seems I have been anything but that. Why is it that the people we love the most get treated the worse.
I had a rude awakening a week ago and as it is not official it seems it could go that way any day. So I just continue to wake up and wonder if this is the day the remainder of my heart will be destroyed.
I hope and pray that anyone who is married will remember that having and playing with engines or any other hobby to some extent needs to be OK with both parties. It is not the engines or the hobbies that has caused this but the relationship I have put towards the hobbies that has caused this. I know that in the future if I do something my wife is not interested in I will pay closer attention to her and less of the hobby.
I guess my request from this post would be that anyone who has a relationship with God to think about me and maybe remember me in a prayer that Gods will be done in my marriage. It will be the only way it is healed.
If you don't pray an encouraging word would be helpful also. Since I don't have family close by my largest source of support is with this forum.
I am sure what ever the outcome I will survive I just hope I will be allowed a second chance to survive happily. Thank you, Mike DD :( :(
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Mike
both of you are in my thoughts and yes, even my prayers!
not sure God listens to me much on what i want for myself, but he seems to
listen to me when i ask for things for others.
pay attention to the wife, this place will be here when you get back, and these engine's
have been around for decades, so i am sure they will be around long after we are gone.
bob g
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Very nice words.
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Mike,
Family, and secondly friends, are our most precious God-given possessions. In the long run, nothing else matters. Remember, "you can't take it with you"! Our knowledge and relationships are the only things that will accompany us through the thin veil between this life and the next. I see remorse in your words and that's the start of the healing process. God will always give you a second chance, only time will tell if others will.
I'm praying for you Buddy.
Dave
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Mike; somethings we all need to do more often; count our blessings and reassess our deepest priorities. I hope you can give it another chance and time for both to think together about the future.
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I'm not much on words, so let me just say that my heart is with you Mike.
Let me know if there is anything I can do.
-Brett
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All I can say is that I have been there and it worked out. I have you in my prayers and if any way I can help... you have my phone # /sid
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Mike:
You are so right in your observations in your post. We all tend to stray from the things that are the most important to us at times. I also consider you to be a friend, even though we have never met. I believe you have the tools to get your marriage back on track. The most important things are your intentions and ability to re-evaluate and identify your mistakes. That's the hardest part. The important part is to make it clear to yourself and your wife through your actions on a daily basis, what is important in order to keep your bond. Feel free to contact me any time. You have many friends here on the forum that want you to succeed.
Terry
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Hi Mike,
I used to present adult education classes. I almost always invited the students to try and think of the people in the class as friends and relatives so they wouldn't have to worry about how they acted or what they said as we all know that we treat strangers with too much respect and the people we love with not nearly enough. Not always well received to say the least.
Casey
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Mike,
I'm not much on words myself, but you recognizing and admitting what you have going on is the biggest step to making things turn out the way they need to, and as I see here, you have a lot of friends hoping for the best, including me.
Be good, and take you wife to dinner.
Derek
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Hi Mike, As chaplain for our volunteer fire department, I'd like to believe I have a good connection with God. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers and also pray that you develop your own relationship with him too. The gospel of John is a good place to start reading, it worked for me. If you'd like to talk PM me. Be blessed!
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Hi Mike,
Just remember to continually ask yourself, "What is the best thing I can do RIGHT NOW, in this moment, to make the next moment and the future the best is can be, both for myself AND for those around me?" If you're mindful of that for every decision you make, you will have done your absolute best and lived the best life you can live. It's not always easy and things may not always work out the way you want, but you will have tried your best and that's the most anyone can ask. You'll be in my thoughts and well-wishes!
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I know no single word that could explain the strength I have received from everyone here. It is very hard to give an update since it seems very negative.
I hope me posting this will not be boaring but I did want to share one thing. Beside the monster I have seem to become I was also informed by Julie my wife that she had no intentions of going back to church and felt God was not the choice. That just about finished the destruction of me because I knew God was the only way something good would come of this.
Julie did inform me that the only time she ever got a spiritual filling was when she was back in her hometown from a Pentecostal church. So I had time yesterday and I looked through the phone book and sure enough we have one in our town. I called and of course got an answering machine. It was like calling the suicide hot line and you get a recording to call back.
Anyway last evening I received a call from the minister and his first words were Mike I know you. It turns out since his church is smaller he has to supplement his income and he works at the automotive section at our Wal-Mart, and another friend who also works there also goes to the church.
So I guess in my quest I have found somewhere different that maybe Julie might decide to go to someday we will have friends. What ever the outcome I plan to use this chance to make myself a better person and hopefully God will perevent a bad outcome before Julie sees I have changed.
THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYONE. Mike DD
PS just so no one worries I have no plans to try doing back flips down the aisle of the church
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Mike:
bear in mind there are many ways up the mountain!
whatever church or religion that draws one closer to God is the "right" religion
for that person, beit buddist, (much as i hate to say it) muslim, the various christian churches, and even those that we might look to as being pagan (not satanist, but those that look to a singular higher power), and yes even pentecostal.
your wife admitting to you that she found solace at a pentecostal church tells me she is open to God and as such has an opening for you in her life as well.
at least she is acting in a much more positive way than my first wife, who had no religious beliefs at all, and had no interest after doing no more than was necessary for us to be married in the church. very hard to make a marriage work if one has a belief and the other has not even a shred of belief.
do what you feel is right, stay consistent, talk to the man upstairs, and have faith that
things will work out as they are planned by the dude that has control of the cards.
if you ever need to talk, just pick up the phone, you have my number.
bob g
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Thank you Bob. Phone conservations are still a little difficult. Mike DD BTW when is you ETA to Kansas. It might be good since my daughter lives in Lawrence and my wife could go on up there and spend some time with the grandchild when the unpacking gets done.
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Hi Mike,
As you've probably gleaned, I'm not the religious type myself; it simply doesn't do it for me. My mother insisted I go to church every Sunday (I even learned to ring the bells & sung in the choir - that's how keen she was). It never did anything for me, except made me a bit resentful of all the Sunday mornings I lost when I could have been out on my bike having fun...
But anyway, that's all beside the point. I wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you, and I really hope you get it sorted out, in a positive way - whichever way that ends up being.
And, if I may offer up one piece of advise: Don't force her to be religious, if she doesn't want to be, you'll just cause resentment... I'm sure that if conservatives & liberals can live together, then so can a religious person & an atheist (or agnostic, more likely?).
I hope that didn't sound preachy, it isn't supposed to be. I'm sure that in a few months time, we'll be hoisting drinks & laughing about these days...
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Life goes on. I had to leave my two timing so-called wife and I thought it was the end of the world, the darkest days of my life for sure. Boy was I ever wrong. Met a great gal, garage is overflowing with engines and life is sweeter than it's ever been.My new woman is down to earth enough to realise the time I spend with my engines,guns,hunting and fishing aren't excuses for time I could be with her. I'm sober,employed, home at night,cook, do the dishes , pay her compliments and eat snapper like it's going out of style. Sounds to me like your problems aren't all yours. Just throwing it out there now CHIN UP.
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Hi Mike, there you go living proof of my alternative belief system, ( that my god is in all the decent people I`ve met in my life) reference all your wellwisher friends on here. Its a very brave and dare I say American thing to publicly air your problems as you have done, generally we reticent Englishmen, would not dream of doing it. Anyway I`m sure you have the strenghth to overcome your troubles and if a bit of support here helps, then thats great. Keep your pecker up. Mark.
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First, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I have a few comments that I hope will be helpful: Although, from a slightly different perspective but with your welfare foremost.
• You cannot force someone (wife) to believe in God, become “religious” or believe in a higher power / Supreme Being: For adults, this realization usually comes about during a time of crisis when they figure out their plan for life inst working so well.
• Frankly, you might be much better off wishing her all the best as she pursues her sole path towards whatever she thinks will make her happy (adios). Letting her go is the only way you will have an opportunity to meet someone more compatible.
• Think about it: A woman who is miserable / unhappy is going to bitch about your engine hobby, if you got rid of the engines, it would be your yard or the upkeep of your house, or the fact she perceives you as a slob, you are too fat, or you don’t ….. (fill in the blank). Chances are nothing you could ever do will “make” her happy, she has decided to just be unhappy, miserable, and unfulfilled. My gut feeling says she will not change unless she somehow finds God and this must be her own decision.
• Look at the other fellow on the above post, he shed his lousy, bitching, miserable wife problem which opened the door to meet someone down to earth, now he’s happy. Suggest you re-read his post, makes a lot of sense.
• I’ll bet, she has at least one or two recently divorced girlfriends who are telling her wonderful life is being single. Don’t stand I the way of her making this dream come true, yea sure, it’s wonderful and misery loves company.
• Chances are you have seen this coming for a long time, perhaps a little denial but I’ll bet the signs were present for quite awhile. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Yes, the next year is going to be rough, but this too will pass and you have a higher power to lean on and guide you. She, unfortunately does not.
• Picture yourself with half of what you currently own, don’t sweat it because you will have NONE of the stress and aggravation which probably feels like it is tearing your guts out. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up happy, play with your engine hobby, have no stress, perhaps meet a nice woman who is not nuts, who is happy, content and shares your beliefs. The hard part is admitting it is over and taking the difficult steps to end the insanity, that’s when the real healing can start.
• God bless you and good luck.
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Sorry to hear of your plight Mike. Speaking from a similar experience, I would concur 100% with what Bruce and Contaucreek wrote. The only thing I would add is to focus on YOUR future and not worry about or try to control someone who may already be gone. As Thomas Jefferson wrote, happiness shouldn't matter whether you believe in zero, one or twenty Gods...just live right and do right and eventually you will be alright. Learn from your experiences and enjoy the journey. Best wishes.
Bob B.
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fwiw
i am hardly an expert on marriage, however i am pretty much an expert on what
not to do when it comes to such.
basically through a process of trial and error i have concluded what not to do pretty well.
aside for the religion aspect, the best advice i ever got, and what i would pass along to any guy that will listen is to get a good shrink!
now before you laugh it off, here is my reasoning
we go to the doctor when we have a broken bone, or a cut that needs stitches and we don't think a thing about it, we spend all sorts of money on hobbies, toys, and other things of more or less questionable value, but
we as men generally will never ask for help working on the old bean, hell we generally won't even ask directions!
does that seem reasonable?
i too was skeptical, however i am now "the" poster child for men getting a good shrink, or counselor if you will. it is my opinion it is the best money a guy can ever spend on himself.
one of the most interesting things i got from my sessions was finally getting my head around the idea that we have been lied to when it comes to marriage, we have been told that marriage is a lot of work... that is a huge lie! not a white lie but a black lie on the first order! a good marriage is not a lot of work, quite the contrary a good marriage is something that should never be seen as work at all.
the second thing i found interesting was finding out that it is not my job, or for that matter any spouses job to "make" the other spouse happy! its not anyone's job to make another person happy period!
this is not to say that doing things to make someone happy is a bad thing, but it is a bad thing to expect another to provide for your happiness, and that works both ways.
this is also not to say that one should go through life oblivious to their partners happiness or, doing things that make them unhappy either.
providing happiness to another is akin to being a drug pusher, it starts innocently enough, you buy flowers or do something that make her happy this week, and then when next friday rolls around and you have not bought more flowers ? hmmm ...
this is when the cycle can start, depending on the type of person she/he might be.
if she/he then expects flowers again, you start on a death spiral of having to not only buy flowers every friday, so that they can be happy, but... soon that becomes normal and it takes more to make them happy,, more "happy" drug, so you end up buying either more flowers or looking for other things to make them happy. at some point you cannot afford a truck load of flowers every week and even it you could they have lost their cool factor and she/he tosses them aside and looks to you for "what are you going to do to make me happy now" i was the grand master of being a "happy" pusher for better than 20 years, only to find out that there really is no way to continue this sort of charade. once i stopped trying, is when i got served with divorce papers!
yes i thought my life had ended, when the reality was my life was just starting.
my exwife and i fought at least once a day, every day for 20 years of marriage, and in reality every time we were together prior to marriage after about the second date.
i have been happily remarried now for going on 7 years, (plus 2 years before we were married), to date we have never fought about anything! nada, zip, nuttin...
this is not to say that we don't have disagreements, just that we can discuss them and if necessary agree to disagree, and we both realize that it is not either persons responsibility to make the other one happy! whats most interesting, is when it is not
expected of you, it is much easier to want to do nice things.
if one is not happy within their own skin, no other person and no amount of "things" is going to make them happy.
anyway, if i can pass along nothing more than the idea that it is not your responsibility to provide for another's happiness, and the value of a good shrink, then
i feel i have done the most good i know how to do.
bob g
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Bob you are right on track about a therapist. Men seem to think is is a sign of weakness if the would have to see a therapist. Men are more inclined to go to a friend. Going to a friend unless you goal is to first see what your problems are and if you are willing to fix them. Friends tend to agree with everything you say so the problem never gets solved and it could get worse. So you have 2 choices. Get the problem fixed then see if you are compatible or move on to find someone who is willing to over look the problem. The problems with hearing instead of listening and looking instead of seeing is something that not many people like to tolerate for very long.
So I guess all I can hope for is to work on my problems then see if the change will be enough to save a marriage. I might not be given the chance to prove it but at least I will in the long run benefit from it. I would like to clear up something that I may have let people believe. My wife and myself were very much involved in Gods word. This is why I have been so hard on myself because we got away. Sometimes women are big enough or have enough faith that men can stray away and the wife will keep up the role of the male until the male gets his head on straight. It is very clear in the bible it is the mans role in this. No excuses.
My first marriage lasted 27 years. If I had listened to counselors back then maybe I would be at 37 years. I guess I will never know. All I know now is I have invested 10 years and I have the choice to move on and maybe have someone 5 years or pray I will have the chance to have another 30 years. Time will only tell. I still thank everyone for the support. I will never be able to put into words how much it has meant. Mike DD
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Be careful with the choice of a therapist, the wife and I saw one for 10 years before we figured out she was a man hating lesbo. I'd encourage you to keep seeking God as he will give you strength an guidance as no other can, kind of like a factory service tech. ;D Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Good one to watch with her if she's willing!
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the way i figure it boils down to this
there is nothing better than a good woman, and nothing worse than a bad one.
same holds true of a counselor !
when i suggested a shrink, i was not suggesting a couples counselor, rather one
that you can go see, who's focus is on your well being and secondarily her and the marriage.
one can tell within the first couple sessions if it is a good fit, and if it is not, then get another one!
a good counselor will not tell you everything you want to hear, however he/she won't be overly negative either, again it is necessary to listen to that inner voice and if it don't feel right, it probably isn't.
a good counselor will guide you in the journey of self discovery, in that he likely won't tell you what you need to do or think, but rather will guide you with suggestions of a book to read and ask you to come back and discuss what you have learned.. it is quite effective in my opinion because men generally don't like being told squat,,, but can come to the right conclusions given the tools to do so.
i bet i read two dozen psych books and still have them in my collection, during the time i was seeing my shrink.
i learned that there are some situations, some relationships that are doomed from the start, bad enough had one listened to the inner voice (which is generally either experience or God making a suggestion, take your pick) would never had gotten into the situation to start with.
not suggesting this is the case for Mike, just relating my personal experience.
seems most of my problems center on my bullheaded approach to life, where i seem to think that i can fix anything, only to find out later that one can't fix everything and i am not qualified to sort out the problems of some folks that are clearly damaged from the start.
i would have bet that i had a sign on my back that says "whackjobs apply here"
learning about that in counseling saved me from repeating history over and over again.
best money i ever spent!
bob g
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Dont listen to me, please dont here are some thoughts: His her ass good bye and good luck honey - "hope you find happness dear - good bye", give her half of everything you own, and first choice on all the furniture, pictures, and all similar female stuff because you're a nice guy: She'll still trash you, but who cares, you'll have done the honorable thing and you'll now have enough empty space to create multiplman cave rooms with all the second hand stuff you'll buy for pennies at Goodwill and the local thrift store. None of it will match but you'll be very comfortable and happy. Yes, you will also be STRESS free, life will be simple, uncomplicated, you'll be in total control, you can tinker with your remaining engines or do whatever you decide to do today.
Make sure you find a good counselor or a friend or two who will smack you hard before you jump into another relationship too soon. Take lots of time, enjoy life, at least a year. This is all predicated upon the theory you're not one of those people who has to have someone else, be the man you are, enjoy life, there are plenty of fish in the sea at any age, do stuff you been thinking about but couldnt because of her. Oh, check out the web site "plentyoffish.com" it is a free dasting service but dont do anything for at least one year. This is your find yourself time, man cave time, official me time. You might want to extend this time frame another year or two beyond one year period. But dont listen to me, the above is a radical thought.
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Good perspective Bruce IMHO. While perhaps not useful this time around, I would highly recommend a prenup next time around. I think anytime one party brings significantly more than 50% of the assets into a marriage or one party earns significantly more than 50% of the annual income, you don't ever want to be held liable to 50% asset division in a divorce. While a prenup might not be romantic or maybe in keeping with one's faith, you will be very happy you had one should you ever need it (and 50% of people will eventually need it). I think about the only time a prenup might not be needed is if the couple is very young, starting out with little, and both earn about the same amount of income. If a couple can't rationalize the need for equitable financial security and work out a prenup while they are in love, you can pretty much forecast a nasty, future divorce.
Bob B.
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I think a few of us are missing an important point here. Correct me if I'm wrong but Mike has expressed the desire to reconcile with his wife and return to serving the Lord together. Not just once, but several times. To advocate divorce is not addressing his ultimate goal of reconciliation. Lets try to concentrate on his ultimate goal of reuniting with his wife and returning to God as a couple, not apart and serving only self.
Just my humble opinion.
And yes, from experience.
And by the way...more than once.
And no, I haven't learn my lesson yet.
But I have learned that "It's cheaper to keep her".
Dave
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Dave, just food for thought as you pass judgment on the advice given; sometimes a friend is the person who will tell you what you don't want to hear.
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Listerboy I do not wish to pass judgement on anyone. But at this time in my life you are right I would like to make it work. I have not said anything about the negative and I might have to face it but now my only prayer is Gods will be done. If that happens it will be the right choice. I am not ready to face the other choice. If it happens I hope I can look to God to help me not become bitter with him of my wife. It was both of us who RAPED the marriage. Mike DD
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Mike
God gave us all the tools to command all on the dominion of earth. The power for success or failure is his gift and it is within you. Sort out with your wife if there is any hope to reconcile. if there is work with her to address what she needs changed. if you can live with that, suck it up make the changes and move on.
moving fwd make time for her, date her, shower her with praise, and listen too her
Just my $0.02 cents.
BTW pick a therapist for you first, work out from there
I may have missed something, but what was her reason for ending it? your obsessiveness on engines? that can be fixed
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T19 I suppose like many males I am guilty of LOOKING AND NOT SEEING, and HEARING AND NOT LISTENING. I have a therapist for myself that I will hope will help me with these. Julie knows she has faults but she has to address those. I need to fix myself then if it will not work then I have tried. I hope I will be afforded enough time to show I am TRUE TO CHANGE. I know it has taken a long time to get to where we are. It just hurts not to see improvement to where I would like to go. Her biggest concern is how long will it LAST. I can say how I have been feeling if I ever get to this point again I hope someone shoots me. I don't think I could deal with the stress. Thank everyone for the encouraging words. I know not everyone marriage can be saved but I think that every marriage would be better if it was saved. Mike DD
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It is clearly always best to save a marriage if at all possible. There is also much more than $$$ to consider…happiness being one factor. However, it takes two very motivated people to save a marriage. I think some of the advice given here was for the case that one does everything they can to improve themselves and to save their marriage, but nevertheless the other person isn't equally motivated and this desired outcome can not be achieved.
I have never personally found religion to be significant other than from a purely psychological research perspective. However, I strongly believe that people should believe in whatever they choose…provided they don't try to force their beliefs onto to other people to achieve some less than noble agenda. If one considers religion significant and if it helps one live/do right and get thru life easier, that's a very good thing in my book. Mike, for what it's worth from a non-religious person, I believe you are doing all the right things and I sincerely wish you well.
Bob B.
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Sorry Mike if you mistook my post as being negative. Believe it or not sometimes things are not our fault. Engines sound like a weak excuse to me . If your woman couldn't stand back and be proud of her mans efforts to help a bunch of virtual strangers realize a dream then I don't know what else to say, the writings on the wall, read it. Mike, life is a journy across stepping stones. Sometimes you think you're at the end of the path only because you can't see the next stone but trust me my LISTER BROTHER, it's there.
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Dear Mike: I am very sorry to read about your distress. There is much sage and pithy advice in the posts. Some say 'work together' and some say 'move on'. Perhaps you and your wife could sit together and discuss each post which has been offered with sincerity. There is a range of opinions and as you talk each one through with the focus on what has been said in the post rather than your own opinion, you will start to see that each perspective shines a little light on your situation. By discussing what someone else said removes the finger pointing and fosters a more balanced discussion. I pray for you and wish happiness for you both together.
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I have not posted for awhile. I have been going to counseling and I have found that I am not such a bad person. I am still not sure what path my marriage will take but I am getting closer to dealing with what I perceived the negative path when I first posted this. I have found through counseling and faith my original path my not have been such a big negative in my relationship. I still want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all of the comments. Even the ones I took as negative at the time. I am not the monster I thought of myself and I do believe that everyone should have some things in their life that make them happy. I was not cheating or going to bars spending my money. Thanks again. Mike DD
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'ATTA BOY, thats more like it ;)
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Excellent news, now go out to your engine shed and spill time your engine for self satisfaction.
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if its any concellation my best friend of nearly 50 years, my youngest brother, and
another friend out here are going through the same problem, nearly exactly the same as you... their wives decided out of the blue that they don't want to be married anymore.
i think it is in the drinking water myself, thankfully my wife would rather go thirsty rather than drink from a tap, so maybe i am safe for a while?
i have told her though that should she feel compelled to kick me to the curb i would have to kill her and bury her in the back yard, i just can't afford another divorce at this point in my life... her response...
"not if i kill you first and bury you in the back yard"!
;)
(upon reflection i think that i may be the one pushing up daisies in the back yard, she is in much better shape than me, much quicker and probably stronger too)
so i best better be saying "yes dear a lot"!
:)
bob g
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Good god!!!!!! I've read some doom and gloom but this lot beats it all. ;D
I do what I want and me dorris does what she wants, and we do some stuff together, job sorted. ;D ;D
I could not tollerate a wife that tried to control me.
Come on you lot, sing along.......Always look on the bright side of life :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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How do insert the whistling?
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How do insert the whistling?
Here you go ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ECUtkv2qV8
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dr.death,,, glad you are making progress. it seems that this is a common problem with couples in their 50--60 years......I never understood what was happening when you would hear about a perfect couple that went their seperate ways after so many years together..10 years ago I woke up one morning and found out I was the biggest s.o.b in the world and my wife wanted me gone,,we had never had a serious argument in 30 years,,,after months of counsling therapy etc I found out....why are you here...every thing seemed normal....you do not have the problem...it seemed the dr, had given my wife a double douse of depaveria?///it made her crazy and when i question the dr, the idiot gave her another one. they were long lasting.3 months for each....it took several years for everything to get back to normal////////now everthing is almost back to normal but the pain is still deep inside/// just got back suday night after 11 days in Berlin and my wife cried for almost an hour because she was so glad I was back. so there is a future,,///dr.death I will see you in portland in 6-7 weeks////you have my #///sid
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you have my #
That means something completely different over here in Britain... ;D - hmm, maybe this smiley will help: (http://helmies.org.uk/afro.gif)
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we talk on the phone so he has my phone # and he can call me anytime.we were suppose to meet in portland last august but it did not work out so we are trying for may...sid